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A Warning From The Surgeon General

A Warning From The Surgeon General
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By Don Portolese

WARNING: Male Menopause may adversely affect the male thought processes and cause episodes of psycho-sexual schizophrenia.” Okay, so the Surgeon General has not warned us against this phenomenon. Nor has the medical community given the same level of consideration to this condition as it does to its female counterpart.

My computer acknowledges the words Male and Menopause when I type them; however, when I type the scientific term for this condition, Andropause, a red squiggly line quivers in doubt beneath. I check the spelling, that’s okay. Capitalization, check. Is this a conspiracy between Microsoft and some heretofore unknown radical feminist movement? Just what is Mrs. Gates doing with her half of the profits? Regardless, if my computer doesn’t acknowledge the existence of this word, one can only imagine that there continue to be doubts as to its validity. Yet, when looking for proof of its existence, I have but to turn once again to Google, the 21st Century Oracle, to confirm its veracity. Culling through the endless pages about this phenomenon, avoiding the distraction of adverts for Viagra and the occasional porno pop up page, one can find a wealth of facts about this relatively unexplored subject. For instance,

Andropause affects men from the ages of 35 to 65.

By age 50, half of all men will experience a significant reduction in testosterone levels, causing a variety of uncomfortable ailments such as sore muscles, night sweats and, yes, even hot flashes. Sound familiar ladies?

And the more alarming, 80% of men with documented Andropause complain of depression, low libido and an inability to maintain a strong erection. We’ll look at some more statistics later; however, let’s first take a look at the mental toll this takes on men and the absurd things they do to counteract its effects. What we all need to realize is that this is a desperate time for men. This is the time in a man’s life when he makes a blood pact with his member; a time when a man decides it’s best to shoot first and ask questions later. It is the male sexuality coming full circle. What´s left of their diminishing testosterone has flowed to their adolescent brains, knowing it has a safe refuge there.

Alexei Sayle writes in his hilarious short story, “The Minister for Death,” that as we grow older we begin to fall off of the sexual radar: “By the time we are 65 we’re pretty much see through…You don’t see us because you don’t want to fuck us,” Sayle’s observation is as humorous as it is depressing, and all of us, men and women, suffer from this sexual invisibility in one form or another.

Déscartes’ proposition, Cogito, ergo sum (I think therefore I am) for a male is more aptly translated, “I think then get an erection, therefore I am.” Without the desire or the tools to carry out his biological function, a man is lost. Yet, he cannot and will not accept being shortchanged by nature. As a result he sees this time as his last opportunity to leave his sexually indelible print on society. His last chance for that one great sex-capade before things shrivel into oblivion.

With the stakes so high, it is important that we identify this condition and begin treatment before it snowballs out of control and perfectly good marriages get thrown on the garbage heap. So ladies, let’s look at a list of potential Andropausal symptoms I have compiled from various sources.

The warning signs are the following:

The man spends an inordinate amount of time in front of the mirror trying to convince himself that he is not going bald and still looks young.

Diet and exercise programs are implemented with great vigor in an attempt to turn his decaying carcass into the body of a 20 year old.

Hair treatment, coloring and transplants are sought after, as well as a variety of other esthetic accessories such as tattoos and piercings.

A feeling that time is running out; lingering projects and dreams will never be realized, adding further to his frenzied desperation.

Strange pop-up windows for porn sites mysteriously begin emerging when you turn on the home computer.

A sports car, the proverbial penis on wheels, is purchased, generally of phallic shape and robust color.

Intense desires to take up with women who are half his age and who generally have about half the intelligence quotient of his current mate.

And last, yet certainly not least devastating, erectile dysfunction. (Ouch!)

Now that you know the warning signs, you may be wondering what to do once you see evidence of their manifestation in your boyfriend or husband. Hurt or confused about this abrupt personality change and the stupidity it could possibly entail, you may be inclined to lash out at him at this particularly vulnerable point in his life. You may be tempted to whittle away at his self-esteem by dropping callous comments such as, “Boy, you sure are getting a gut;” or “Your hair seems to be thinning even faster than before;” or, the killer, “You used to be able to last a lot longer than you can now.” While these may help you vent your frustration at some of the more asinine antics you are victim of, I assure you, the more you draw attention to his physical foibles, the more you will prolong this painful phase.

When considering your reaction to this behavior, ladies, I think it is important to take this into consideration: Whether brought on by societal influences or not, women just seem wiser when it comes to dealing with menopause. While nobody wants to grow old and sexually invisible, most women tend to accept it as a natural and inevitable process. However, things have begun to change as women are finally achieving the degree of sexual freedom that men have enjoyed throughout history. Who knows? With advanced methods of contraception, estrogen therapy and the potential to install a pair of balloons that won’t sag let alone biodegrade for the next 100 years, women’s attitudes may change in the not too distant future. Someday they could very well be roaring down the freeway in some freakish pink vagina on wheels, neck and neck with the robust sports penis driven by their male counterparts. I am all for equal rights, but that is a type of equality I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

So ladies, before your minds are also corrupted by the prospect of sexual immortality, use some of your wisdom to help your misguided lesser halves. It is only through your female compassion that you will be able to rectify this less than noble approach to middle age. If you see the symptoms become manifest in your man and he starts acting like a sexually deranged lunatic, do a search on Google and print up some of the more cliché symptoms and behaviors. Leave the print out in a place where he can “accidentally” stumble upon it (His Man-Cave would be an ideal location). In it, he will see that he is by no means original in his desires to screw his way back to youth. Nor is what he is going through something that applies uniquely to him.

Keep in mind ladies, as you hit your own, seemingly more credible, menopause that you at least get a better deal out of this whole thing. In exchange for your hot flashes, night sweats, fatigue, muscle aches and the hormonal rollercoaster ride, you get some real benefits: You no longer have to worry about a monthly visit from the menstrual minstrel and you will never again have to worry about getting pregnant, the very bane of your existence during the last 40 or so years. What do men get out of the deal? Erectile dysfunction and prostate problems along with the self-effacing realization that they are no longer able to perform their biological function like they could before. As the traditional aggressor in the sexual games between men and women, before the advent of the cougar, this is far more crushing for a man than most women realize.

So, dear ladies, have mercy on us for we are sinners, tarnished with the original sin of being masculine and all of the baggage that comes with it. Give your man some love and support while he goes through this very volatile stage. But, if the advice above doesn’t work, why not try a good right hook to the jaw. And be sure to have a good lawyer lined up when the bastard cries to you about wanting a divorce. He can have the mentally deficient, twenty-something girl as long as you can keep the house, the car and his bank account. Hell, if you’ve followed my advice, you can’t say you didn’t try.

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