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Advice from Dr. Stanwix – Bored in the Bedroom

Advice from Dr. Stanwix – Bored in the Bedroom
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Dear Dr. Stanwix,

My wife’s and my sex life is about as interesting and spontaneous as my work routine.  We often have to pencil in appointments to have sex and there is no spontaneity to our intimate relations anymore. With all of the demands on our lives between our children and our jobs, we just don’t have sex the way we used to. Sometimes I wonder if we will ever have satisfying sex again.

The problem is that many times I don’t feel like having sex with my wife. It has become such a routine that it no longer excites me. Sometimes when we schedule a love making date, I feel pressured into sex. I am simply not in the mood and the more I force it, the less pleasurable it becomes. It feels like an appointment I made at the doctor, and, I must confess, sometimes a doctor visit is more appealing.

Is there anything that you can recommend to get things back on track? I love my wife, but our lack of pleasurable sex is causing my eyes to wander. I don’t want to seek sexual satisfaction outside of our marriage; however, if something doesn’t change, I’m afraid that is the direction I am heading.

Please help us and our marriage!


Bored in the Bedroom

Dear Bored in the Bedroom,

In your letter you seem to insinuate that your wife bears the responsibility for your boring sex life. While that may or may not be true, you need to consider your level of investment in turning this trend around. After so many years of lovemaking, sometimes it’s difficult for couples to discuss their sex life openly. We sometimes feel that if our partners haven’t figured out what turns us on by now, there’s really no point in telling them. That simply isn’t true. When we are younger and had more time to explore one another, we were more adventurous with our lovemaking. Think back to what made those encounters more pleasurable and discuss them with your wife. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about these things, why not try writing a letter to your wife explaining what turns you on. Encourage her to do the same.  In doing so, you may find your wife is just as bored and has her own ideas about how to spice-up your love life.

The next challenge is how to implement these changes. Despite having to pencil in an appointment for sex, it doesn’t have to be like other boring appointments. The important thing, time permitting, is to work up to things. You may not be in the mood right at 4:15 pm when the kids are at Little League practice, but a little light caressing and physical contact will remedy that. You could start by showering together. Lather each other up; wash each other’s intimate parts. This will excite and relax you. Massages and back rubs are also excellent ways to get into the mood.

The beauty of this type of foreplay is that it integrates much needed relaxation into your sex life. Busy couples often see one another as an antagonistic source of stress in their lives. As in all relationships, we nag each other about meeting our household obligations and responsibilities with the kids. In this type of dynamic we don’t see one another as a source of relaxation and that should change, especially during our lovemaking. Try to make your lovemaking as relaxed as possible and you will find that you will look forward to your love dates as a source of stress relief mixed with a heavy dose of pleasure. It’s amazing what a good orgasm will do to relieve stress and bring you closer together.

Another way is to have a little pillow talk before and after your lovemaking. Keep it light and keep it focused on the simpler issues. You worry about so many other things during the day, things that separate you from one another rather than foster your relationship. It’s best that you make your intimate moments free of outside worries. The goal here is to spend some quality time with each other, not use this time to hash out differences about finances or the kids.

If you approach your intimacy as a sanctuary from the worries of your worlds, you will begin to look forward to it. It’s like meditation, you need to relax, clear your mind and concentrate on the present. Once this becomes your routine, you may find the spontaneity returning to your intimacy. Being honest and committed to adopting a different approach is key. There is still a lot more to explore in your significant other. Explore and enjoy!

Best of Luck,

Dr. Michael Stanwix

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