Ask Dr. Stanwix MIDDLE AGE MUSINGS  >  Advice from Dr. Stanwix – Low Libido

Advice from Dr. Stanwix – Low Libido

Advice from Dr. Stanwix – Low Libido
Print pagePDF pageEmail page

Dear Dr. Stanwix,

I’m struggling with decline in the sexual interest that my husband is experiencing.  I’m 61 and he is 65.  I love him dearly and we have talked about this situation, however, there just isn’t any action on his part.  I find that my libido, although not as strong as it once was, surpasses his greatly.

This issue has weighed heavily on my mind but having a hard time coming to terms with accepting that this is as good as it gets.  He cannot use any testosterone products due to a high PSA level.

I have searched this issue on the internet but haven’t really found any article that deals with this issue head on.  I would appreciate your candid feedback not only for myself but for those who are too shy to talk about this openly.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

RESPONSE:

Dear Reader,

I understand your plight and sympathize with your situation. In what is today still a male-dominated culture, people tend to expect the opposite situation to be the case. With all of the pills and erectile dysfunction remedies on the market, it seems as though men will be sexually souped-up well into the life beyond.

However, there are just as many women whose libidos rival that of any man, young or old. Let’s face it, not all men and/or women have the same sexual drive. Thankfully our society is finally coming to realize this. However, people like us who have grown up in more repressive times may still harbor ideas that this disequilibrium is an unhealthy anomaly. That is definitely not the case. You should also keep in mind that you are certainly not alone when it comes to this situation. In fact, some statistics say that one in every three relationships suffers from this gap in sexual desire. That means that a good many younger women are also suffering what you’re suffering. But let’s get back to you.

Unfortunately, I lack the full picture regarding your situation. One thing to consider is that there are a variety of factors that lead to a decrease in sexual appetite. Age obviously plays a part. Yet, so do other factors like stress, exercise and even diet. Is your husband under a lot of stress? Does he get regular exercise? Perhaps this gap arises from the fact that you are more active in other areas as well. While exercise can certainly play a role, many people don’t realize that excessive exercise such as marathon running can actually deplete a man’s testosterone. This decline may also be a result of a recent low-fat diet. These factors are definitely important because they can speed the depletion of testosterone which is basically a man’s mojo.

Some other important questions to consider are whether this imbalance has always existed in your relationship or if it’s a recent manifestation. If this has been a chronic problem in your relations, there is probably little you can do to change it now without counseling. It may simply be too ingrained in the dynamic of your relationship. If this problem is recent, then it may be a phase. Testosterone levels decrease at different times and rates in men. Once he regains his equilibrium after accustoming himself to functioning with lower testosterone, he may get his drive back. Not with the same vigor he had when you were first married, but he will have some sexual drive.

You should definitely have him get a blood test to see what his testosterone level is. Your physician may have suggestions that don’t involve Viagra or other drugs that are not healthy for him. Besides, while these drugs do help a man gain in erection, they do not remedy or address other problems that cause a depressed sexual appetite.

Other questions to consider, what exactly do you mean when you say, “There is no action on his part.”? I assume you mean sexual action, but perhaps you’re referring to the fact that he doesn’t consider this grand differential as serious as you do. This is where you must be more than upfront with him. Just because he is not interested in sex, doesn’t mean that he should dismiss your sexual needs.

Another thing I am missing from the equation is the approach you’re using with your husband. Men are by no means comfortable when confronted with their own inadequacies (sexual or otherwise). The fact that their partners seek fulfillment that goes above and beyond their ability (or desire) to perform can do a number on the male ego. I assume you are gentle when you discuss this with him. However, perhaps you feel you’re being too gentle with such an important subject. The important thing is strike the right balance between gentle and straightforward. His are not the only feelings that matter in your relationship.

If you’ve done all I have suggested, then let’s now turn to potential ways to remedy this situation. You may want to consider visual stimuli, such as, dare I say, pornography? It may not be your thing, but it may be what he needs to kick start his mojo. Keep in mind that the libido is a mental as well as a physical thing. As we get older it tends to need more mental stimulation than physical. Try to take any preconceived notions you have about pornography out of the equation. If visuals help, by all means, use them.

Physical contact is also important. Touch him. Hug him. It may take a while to jumpstart that old Plymouth, but physical contact does lead to arousal. And, whether it leads to sex or not, it’s just a nice thing to do with someone you love.

Without the full picture, it’s hard to give you a complete list of possibilities. However, I do hope my advice has been helpful.

Best of luck,

Dr. Stanwix

NOTES:

obsolagnium. You may not find it in an ordinary dictionary. But if you are over 50, you may well be familiar with the concept, because it means “waning sexual desire resulting from age.”

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...