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Don’t Be Cruz to a Cause That’s True: The Esteemed Senator from Texas

Don’t Be Cruz to a Cause That’s True: The Esteemed Senator from Texas
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By Don Portolese

Whenever Ted Cruz appears on television, my blood pressure goes up. I try to listen respectfully to what he has to say but am overcome with an incredible urge to plug my ears and scream, “Na na, na-na-na.” What is it in that man that brings out such a puerile response in me? Is it because he looks like he is about ready to sprout horns and grow a tail? Rather than let my immaturity get the better of me, like Mr. Cruz, I piously look up in the sky to a higher authority for some inspiration, the King: “Don’t Be Cruel, to a Heart That ‘s True.” I sing softly to myself. And then my immaturity gets the better of me and I twist the lyrics like I used to do with cheesy songs from the 70s. Allow me to sing a few bars: “Don’t Be Cruz, to a Cause that’s True. Don’t Be Cruz, When You Can Tell the Truth.”

Senator Cruz’s life trajectory follows that of the proposed Keystone Pipeline. He somehow oozed down to this country in a batch of Canadian Tar Sands from Alberta and into our Immigration and Naturalization process. He was then promptly belched out into the wild and raised by Texas senators. A fledgling senator himself, he washed up on the tumultuous shores of D.C with the great Tea Party tidal surge of 2010. Like many of his comrades, he was caught up in the delusion that he was taking this great country back from the liberals who had hijacked it. Back to a time when Reaganomics, compassionate conservatism and crack cocaine were the drugs of choice.

He and his ilk were not establishment Republicans. These were political virgins. Free of the corruption of compromise that had blemished the records of their career colleagues. Ted’s zeal glowed brighter than the rest’s. He soon outshined and outfoxed his fellow Republicans. He made some lasting political friendships as he brazenly butted in front of and stepped over people on his way to the front row. Despised by members of both parties, he may well be the kind of partisan conduit we need to get things moving in our government.

Senator Cruz is a maverick, running on a bad-boy platform with a break-all-the-rules approach to garnering the presidency. However, like a horny high school student, he seems a little too eager to get into this country’s pants: A scrappy political upstart taking on his establishment brethren, first out of the gate for the presidential race, a no-holds-barred campaign apparatus. His political prowess has surged forward with the blustery exuberance of passed gas. I have no doubt he has the hot air necessary to take his campaign to the finish. However, what smells will we have to endure as his presidential bandwagon flatulates its way to first place?

He is not going to get there without a few pit stops to consort with corporate and banking moguls. How will he spin his allegiance to corporate sponsorship and still maintain “a heart that’s true” to the conservative principles he claims to champion? His coffers stuffed with compromises, how much longer can he play the role of political outsider when he is already up to his smug smile in the stink of Washington? A stink that he himself is responsible for kicking up. He has cultivated a political theater of obstruction and denial, and now he has the gall to seek the presidency?

I get worked up into another lather and then the King’s velvety voice soothes my anger. I sing along and add a few doo-wops of my own, “Don’t Be Cruz, to a Cause That’s True. Don’t Be Cruz, When You Can Tell the Truth…” Between verses, another blatant lie rolls off of the tongue of this megalomaniacal firebrand. My blood pressure shoots back up. It’s obvious the Senator is not a big fan of political fact checkers. These meddlesome truth-seekers have him pegged at 56%. That is, 56 percent of what he says is either misleading or an out and out lie. Just who and what is he lying for?

We have already seen that Senator Cruz is capable of making disingenuous claims about important issues. His blatant lies in favor of the insurance and cable lobbies show us that he is capable of stretching the truth until it reaches his ends. And if it is willful ignorance, his refusal to educate himself about these and other issues is just as egregious. How can we expect him to lead this country if he refuses to move beyond the political talking points and look at the problems we face in an objective and nuanced manner?

He denies that there is any progress being made on the economy when the facts contradict his bleak rhetoric. He leaves the issue of climate change to scientists and then rejects their findings. He rails against the Affordable Care Act even though he now gets his insurance through this very legislation. Whose interests are you defending there, Senator? Your rhetoric bears the party brand too much to consider you an independent politician with your own strong convictions and a “cause that’s true.”

Waving one’s sabre in the face of political battles that have already been decided is no show of political courage. Staging twenty-one hour, one-man whine sessions is not the mark of a politician who seeks out compromise. Dodging and denying inconvenient facts is not a show of acumen but of political ignorance. If the esteemed Senator thinks that any of this chicanery elevates him to the level of statesman worthy of the highest office in the land, I have only one response: A loud, wet farting sound.

However, please, by all means, proceed with this lunacy. With conservatives so awash in guns, they’re liable to shoot themselves in the foot and help Mr. Cruz on to victory in the primaries. Then he’ll just have to convince the rest of the American people he isn’t completely insane and win the presidency. Best of luck, Senator! Meanwhile I’ll just keep singing along with Elvis every time you open your big gob.



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