Well as I write this, it is the last day of my job at the technology company I joined last September after 8 months of unemployment.  This was a nice place with nice people but, after the initial 2 months, didn’t really offer much of a challenge.  I was getting bored and hated the location so when a recruiter told me about a new position, I said I would go for the interview.  I got the job and start next Monday.  I hope this will be my last job before retirement, but you never know.   The best thing about my new gig (so far) is that it is midtown and I can walk to work.  Yeah!

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the radiologist for my yearly mammogram and sonogram.  While I was there I figured I might as well get a bone density test to see how my infrastructure was holding up.  I’m almost past menopause which is when they say you should check it.  Also, as I may have mentioned before, my mother has really bad osteoporosis and it is hereditary.  Well the mammogram and sonogram were fine.  The bone density test was another story.  Apparently I already have osteoporosis in my back and osteopenia (pre-osteoporosis) in my hips!  Yikes!  I’m very alarmed about this, having seen my mother’s infrastructure crumble so much that she is stooped over today.  I can’t allow this to happen to me so I am beginning my research on what I should do.  A friend has told me that I need to change my eating habits.  Huh?  Does that mean I can’t eat pizza anymore?  Doesn’t the cheese have calcium in it?  I’ll keep you posted on the path I take to remedy this situation.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I went into my mailbox this week and there was a flyer from a cemetary.  They were encouraging me to buy a plot (they offer monthly billing and extended payment options) now to protect my family from ‘unexpected memorial expenses.’  They even offered me a discount.  Now I like a sale more than most, but this is ridiculous.  First of all, how did they get my name and address?!  Have they purchased a list of people from somewhere and when a person hits their fifties, they send them this?!!  It was unsettling to say the least.  I’m going to pass.  I really don’t care where I’m buried or what I’m buried in.  If they want to bury me in a discount coffin, I don’t care.  After all, I’ll be dead.

Some observations:

-  It’s about time President Obama said he had no problem with gay marriage.  What took him so long?  I’m sure he analyzed the effect, being a politician and all, but it isn’t going to hurt him.  Even if you have an issue with it, it would be no reason to vote for ‘plastic man’ Mitt Romney.  Anyway, in a few years this issue will be a minor blip on the radar.

-  The Killing is the best show on TV!  Catch it Sundays at 9.

-   Go see The Lyons on Broadway.  It is hysterical and thought provoking.  Linda Lavin is excellent as Mrs. Lyons.  She is always a treat to watch no matter what she is in.  On the other hand I would skip the off-Broadway play ‘Cock’ (yes that is the title) that I saw.  It was 90 minutes long but it seemed like hours.

-  I went home for mother’s day last weekend and had a nice time.  The drive is 8 hours long and I love it.  It is relaxing and now that they put Sirius XM radio in rental cars, it is a great trip!  I had no idea they had so many different musical stations.  It made me want to continue driving even after I got back to NY.

- I’ve been keeping up with the trial of John Edwards for misuse of campaign funds.  The guy is a creep but this prosecution is really reaching, so I hope he doesn’t get convicted.  He does have young children to care for.  His fall from grace has been pretty astounding and he only has himself to blame.  Plus if he was going to cheat on his wife, couldn’t he have picked a little less of a bimbo?  The whole thing is sad.  Apparently he cared for his wife in her final days so that is good; he redeemed himself a little.

Next time, I’ll tell you how it is to start another new job.  Until then…

Who are we going to leave in charge of our loved one? And how do we find someone we can trust

It can seem like an incredible responsibility. And it’s one many of us, no doubt, try to put off – at least in our minds. But if you’re a Boomer, and your parents are still alive, you can’t put it off forever.

“I know that it certainly keeps many of my clients awake at night,’ says Alice Reiter Feld, principal at The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates in South Florida (www.florida-elderlaw.com), and a board-certified Elder Law attorney in both Florida and New York. “Watching our parents age is already a frightening process. And, when it comes to finding in-home care, we’re all afraid of making a decision we’ll regret. But there are agencies out there that can help you make the right choice, so that your parents can remain at home. You don’t have to go through the process alone.”

Getting started

If you’re talking about homemakers, sitters, or aides, there are a number of agencies in your community that can get you started on the right track, among them your Area Agency on Aging, the Department on Aging, Social and Rehabilitation Services, or your local Alzheimer’s Association. If you’re talking about trained nurses, however, you’ll have to go through a home-care agency. Your parent’s doctor can be a valuable help in setting up these services, and in recommending a good agency.

There’s a third option, as well – you can hire a Certified Nurse Aide. These people are trained to assist seniors with daily activities such as dressing, bathing, eating, and medications. And if your mother or father requires it, most Certified Nurse Aides have experience working with Alzheimer’s/dementia patients. (You might also want to check for CPR certification.)

Your local Alzheimer’s Association will have a list of individual caregivers. While they can’t make specific recommendations, they can tell you the feedback they’ve received. And don’t forget caregiver support groups, either; they can provide recommendations (as well as a feeling that you’re among friends who understand what you’re going though).

“If you decide to go the do-it-yourself route,” Reiter Feld says, “you’ve got to treat this as an employer-employee relationship – nothing less. You need to have each applicant fill out an application. You need to see identification such as a driver’s license, Social Security card, nurse/aide certification, and a resume. And – like any employer – you need references! And you need to check them out – this is not an area where you want to take short-cuts!”

The most important interview in your life

These may be the most important interviews you’ve ever conducted. They should be done in your home, with your mother or father present. This way, you can pick up on your parent’s level of comfort with the person, in addition to your own. Even if your parent can no longer express him/herself clearly, you should be able to pick up any signs that they might be uncomfortable with this person.

Remember what we said about an employer-employee relationship? Even after the hire, always keep a file with identification, certificates, and background-check results. (If you were a business employer, you’d certainly keep up-to-date records!) Familiarize your new employee with your loved one – her likes, dislikes, behavior patterns, and habits. And make sure you don’t pay for services you don’t need. For instance, if all you need is someone to cook and clean, a homemaker will cost less than a nurse aide.

Get good counsel

“A word of caution, as well,” says Reiter Feld, a 50-something who’s a part-time caregiver to her own parents. “In some states, contracting with someone to provide care for your loved one can cause eligibility issues if you apply for Medicaid later on. This could conceivably cost your mother or father every cent they’ve got. So don’t make any moves without seeking counsel from a good Elder Law attorney.”

Such an attorney can help you not only with this process, but also with your parents’ (or your own!) wills, trusts, powers of attorney, issues with the VA or Medicaid, and protection of assets.

Take your time

“Finding a good in-home caregiver for your parents is a high-stakes process,” Alice Reiter Feld says, “not a race. Take whatever time is necessary to get the right person for your parent(s). The peace of mind – both yours and theirs – will be well worth it.”

Steve Winston (www.stevewinston.com) has written/contributed to 17 books, and his articles appear in major media all over the world.

If Will Rogers visited our nation’s capital in 2012, what would he think? Read on:

Washington, D.C., is an odd sorter town. Somebody once said watching laws get passed here is like watching sausage gettin’ made. It’s messy and it stinks. Whoever said that was one smart fella.

By my reckonin’ last month Congress took less’n a week to spend over 800 billion of our tax dollars. They spend a billion dollars here like they was playin’ in a penny arcade. But they get all hot and bothered by the durn silliest stuff. Take the gentleman in charge of the education department.

The War on Butts

Used to be when the Secretary of Education talked about a “big” problem in our schools, he was talkin’ about drugs. Now he’s complaining about children’s backsides. Seems our young ‘uns are storing fat where muscles are supposed to go.

I kinder think that maybe parents have a little to do with that. How many ten year olds do you see standing in line all by their lonesome waitin’ for that big burger and heap of fries? Guess our government thinks it’s in the parent business. They’re hell bent on slimmin’ everyone down ‘cept themselves. Wouldn’t be surprised if them big belly Democrats and Republicans come up with a new education law, No Child with a Fat Behind.

Marble City

Took some time to visit some of the city’s fine buildings, all made up of marble. Sometimes I think the heads of our Congress persons are made of marble too. They have a mighty hard time thinking straight.

They have more statues in this city than pigeons to roost on ‘em. I was told a few years back one statue in particular caused a holy ruckus. A bare-chested statue of Lady Justice looked down on visitors in the lobby of the Justice Department. Mister Attorney General Ashcroft was so embarrassed, he ordered her dressed up. The drape which they made up special cost us taxpayers a pretty penny. The drape is gone now. So is Mister Attorney General.

Junkets

Was gonna stop in to say howdy to my congressman ‘cept he was on what they call a junket. A junket is supposed to be a fact-finding trip. That’s about like calling the Playboy mansion a convent. I sure do appreciate our folks in Congress keeping up to snuff on important matters. But some of these trips Sherlock Holmes with a sniffing hound dog would not be able to find a good reason for.

Why I heard that on one of their junkets a group of Congress people took off to Venice. That’s Venice, Italy. Seems they wanted to see how the Eye-talians are keeping their soggy, old city from sinking into the sea. What I cain’t figure is why Congress people need to get smart about Venice. Las Vegas and Phoenix sure have water problems, but they ain’t about to sink into the desert. Next on their junkety trip was a guided tour of Pompei. Is there a burpin’ volcano somewhere in Oklahoma I don’t know about?

To get some culture the last stop on this here junket was a tour of a glassblowing factory. Now that just might be worth something. Back on Capitol Hill Congress people blow plenty of hot air. Learning glassblowing might just make ‘em better at it.

]]> http://www.fiftyisthenewfifty.com/middle-age-musings/will-rogers-in-washington.html/feed 0 http://www.fiftyisthenewfifty.com/fifty-friendly/tell-your-tale.html http://www.fiftyisthenewfifty.com/fifty-friendly/tell-your-tale.html#comments Tue, 15 May 2012 00:02:47 +0000 tom http://www.fiftyisthenewfifty.com/?p=3110

BY MARY JANE HORTON

Not everyone is a writer, but everyone has a story to tell. And tell it you should: for yourself, your kids, their kids.  In our technological world, our stories are on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest – but those probably won’t endure the test of time.

So write it down. Here are some tips on getting started.

Take time to gather your thoughts This doesn’t have to be an instantaneous project. Think about what experiences in your life have been important, memorable, or just fun. What do you want your children to know? If you don’t have children, what do you want to remember years from now? Just gather all of these thoughts together to start. It is a great thing to do, anyway, even if nothing comes from it – to remember where you came from and really get in touch with your earlier years.

Talk to your family and friends This is a great way to reconnect with people you may not have spoken to in a while. Tell them about your project, ask for stories about you, your parents, your extended family. You never know what you might come up with. Do your kids have some special memory you may have forgotten? Does your mother’s aunt have some wild stories about your mother when she was a teenager?  Ask open-ended questions like: “What was life like for you when you were a kid?” And if that doesn’t work, get more specific, such as: “What kinds of friends did you have in high school? Were you a good student?” You should be able to loosen people up after a while. If they are shy or say they can’t remember, lend them a tape recorder and ask them to talk into it when and if they remember stories …  anything. You will probably be surprised about how much material you get.

Journal At first, and especially if you are intimidated by a blank word document, write down everything in a journal. You can do it before you go to bed – it’s probably best to do it at the same time every day – or when you wake up. Don’t worry about style, using full sentences, or anything, just write.

Break it down There are many ways to approach the form of a family or personal story. First, figure out what it is. Is it your story with “guest appearances” by other people? It the story of your immediate family, your family of origin? Or if you are married, is it the story of your combined families. You may have one idea about how big the story will be and it might morph as you get into it. But it is always best to start with an idea of what you want to do.  Here are some other ways to approach the breakdown:

• Location If your family is far and wide but there are specific location that have lots of members, you may want to write location by location. For instance for me, it would be the New York Hortons, and the West Coast Hortons. Each group has a different story.
• By ancestors If you know a great deal about your ancestors, which many of us – unfortunately – don’t, you may want to start with the oldest person you know and tell stories in a family tree form. (And if you want to research your family tree, http://www.ancestry.com/ is a great place to start
• Starting in the present and going back Current or recent stories are probably easier to access. So start now – write down stories about the last few years – and then go back from there. Once you are warmed up, you will probably be able to think of more about the past.

Outline Once you have your main ideas, try to brave that blank page and out them into an outline. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and you don’t even have to stick with it, but – just like any piece of writing – it is probably best to have some sort of structure. And then you can always deviate.

Photos Whether or not you plan to add photos to the end product or not (it is easier and less expensive not to), they are a great way to get thinking about who is in your family, who your important friends are, what they looked like at a certain time in their lives, what trips you have taken, all the place you have lived.  Spread them out and take a trip down “memory lane.”

Write Put some favorite music on, take lots of breaks to get up and stretch, look at your pictures, have a cup of tea, but write, write, write. Don’t second think what you are writing, just let all of it out without going back at all (you can do that later). It is such a freeing experience to get it all down, and you will be thrilled with yourself. Depending on how “professional” you want your finished project to be, you may want to hire a professional editor to tweak it before the finished product. If you google “copy editor” or “manuscript editor,” you should come up with reasonably priced options. Or go to your local school and try to find a literature or writing major.  Or see below for help from companies.

“Publishing” I put this in quotations because it can be as simple as going to Kinko’s and having the whole thing copied. Other inexpensive options include putting it all on a CD or having it copied and bound.  Many self-publishing companies will help you with the editing and formatting of your book, and they are getting less and less expensive by the minute. You can get anything from a paperback book to an heirloom quality leather book. Here are some of the companies:

• Small Batch Books http://www.smallbatchbooks.com/ This company specializes in family and personal memoirs.
• Lulu http://www.lulu.com/ has lots of publishing options ranging from perfect bound – which is rudimentary with no real cover –  to a bound book with a hardcover and dust jacket. Reasonably well-priced
• IUniverse http://www.iuniverse.com/ makes good looking books, but is a bit pricey.
• Writersworld http://www.writersworld.co.uk/publish.asp This UK publisher will help you from beginning to end and turns out a great looking product.

Mary Jane Horton has been a writer/editor for 30 years. She has written
 for such magazines as Runner’s World, Fodor’s Guides, Time, Ms., Shape, Prevention, Living Fit, Woman’s Day special interest publications, to name a few, and worked as an editor for Fit Pregnancy magazine. Most recently she was editor in chief of Plum magazine, a health and lifestyle magazine for women over 35.

BY KITT Walsh

As Mother’s Day approaches, I can still honor my late mother by passing along some things I learned from the years I cared for her before her death. She and I walked through the wilderness that is old age—too often marked by frailty, failing health and dementia. We were largely spared this last phase, and if you and your mother are dealing with Alzheimer’s—God bless you both and I am sending up some prayers for you. The lessons I learned from the front lines of caretaking won’t apply to you. But if you find yourself caring for your mom and she still has, as my mother called it, “all her marbles”, there’s some advice I’d like to pass along. Turn your attention to how hard the situation is on your Mom and become her loyal friend, not her parent.

She got old, not stupid: Try to think how you would feel if the situations were reversed. She has taken care of herself (and a lot of other people—including you) most of her life. Her experience is to be respected, not dismissed as you stage an “I know what’s best for you” coup. Treat her as you would another adult. Afford her privacy, dignity, respect and the courtesy to listen to her and treat her opinions and feelings with great weight. Offer the things you possess that she may be lacking like energy, mobility, computer experience, a better memory, physical strength. Be a good friend.

Be available: Yes, we are all too busy. Yes, sometimes talking to your querulous old mother disintegrates into a rematch of some of the fights you had when you were a teenager. The balance of power is shifting, and your mom may find that disconcerting and downright scary. Remember it takes two to play tug-of-war. Drop your end of the rope and learn to discuss –-not argue about—issues. Invite your mom to dinner.  Have family picnics at her house. If you are separated by distance, get her a laptop and teach her to Skype. Teach your kids that including their grandmother is not a chore (though it is expected of them) but access to a treasure trove of memories of their personal history.

Where will she live?: Though it may be easier for you if she lives nearby, your mother may be ensconced in a neighborhood where she has lived for years, where she raised her kids and has her friends. Don’t rip her from that too soon. Investigate home visiting options from Meals on Wheels or home health aides (who will come and help her bathe, do her hair, change her sheets). Private insurance or Medicare may cover these services. Find out what is available and avail yourself of it.

Retrofitting her house: Tell her why you think safety may be an issue. Ask if you may ditch the throw rugs, tack the wires to the wall, and put in more lights and brighter bulbs. Ease into talks about installing grab bars and skid- free flooring in the bath. Mentioning raised toilets may prove embarrassing and whether she should relocate her bedroom to the ground floor may be a touchy subject. Talk everything over (don’t just impose your will) and remember Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Keeping her bank account: Don’t just take over her bank account. Become co-signer if she agrees and offer to pay her bills after she writes the checks out. Or pay the bills online and make sure to give her a summary every month and time with you to –-patiently—go over her bank statement. Your mom may have paid the bills (and earned the money) for most of your life. Money may represent independence for her.  Also, tread lightly before you ask for Power of Attorney. You will be responsible for all her bills when you do—including incapacitating medical bills.

 Medical directives: Talk with your mom about whether she wants to donate organs, sign a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order, have a Living Will, and any other medical directive ready to go in case she falls ill. If so, get her signature and create a folder with her copies. Make sure she knows where it is.  She needs to feel in control of her life.

Keep her informed: Get a large basket and ask you mom if she’d put her mail in it (after she looks it over) so you—or perhaps your teenager –can help her file it every month. If you mother is in a nursing home, ask for all correspondence (even about her medications) to be put in writing so you can keep a copy and discuss all of this with your mom. Be her conduit for information and her advocate when necessary.

It is her life: Whether or not, she agrees to hang a Lifeguard button around her neck, won’t drink the Ensure you so carefully procured or refuses that last catheter or course of IV antibiotics that may save her life, remember that it is her life.  At the end, my mother refused such aid, saying she felt like a pincushion and was sick and tired of all these last-minute interventions. “It’s still my life, isn’t it?” she said, and, through many warring emotions, I had to admit that yes, it was her life— not mine—and let her go. But I was holding her hand—lightly—when she did.

Kitt Walsh owns a web content company, Behind Blogs (www.behindblogs.com is a regular contributor to CNN Money, a public speaker on Social Media, a book editor and ghostwriter, and freelances as a feature writer, editor and marketing consultant for magazines, newspapers and private clients around the world.

BY DICK METHIA

Senate contests in a handful of states reflect an angry electorate willing to dump establishment candidates and hollow out the nation’s already weak political center. Recently Indiana primary voters rejected Sen. Richard Lugar’s bid for a seventh term. Lugar’s defeat at the hands of Tea Party activists launched the state’s conservative attorney general, Richard Mourdock, into a high profile contest that Democrats are now given a reasonable chance of winning.

Lugar’s defeat was another shot across the bow for every elected official who believes that bipartisanship is better than stalemate. Lugar suffered a humiliating defeat—getting only 39% of primary votes—because of his moderate stance and willingness to work with Democrats on bipartisan solutions. Before Lugar went down to defeat rebellious Tea Party members at the Republican state convention in Utah had derailed Sen. Bob Bennett’s expected nomination to a fourth term.

Maniacs Live Up to Reputation

In Maine, the state Republican convention erupted in turmoil. Tea Party delegates commandeered the event, generating such fierce in-fighting that candidates vying for the Republican senate nomination never got a chance to address the delegates. The result is that front-runner, independent candidate and former governor, Angus King, is a virtual shoo-in in November to replace retiring moderate Republican Sen. Olympia Snowe. Rebellious convention attendees then selected Ron Paul supporters to fill a majority of delegate spots at the GOP national convention in Tampa—even though Mitt Romney had won Maine’s Republican primary.

Bay State Brawl

If one is looking for some rationale to explain voter anger and frustration with politicians, the Massachusetts senate campaign may offer insight. Bay State contenders for the seat once held by liberal lion Ted Kennedy are engaged in a battle over one candidate’s alleged American Indian heritage. The incumbent is former Cosmopolitan centerfold, Republican Sen. Scott Brown, who tracks across the state in a pickup truck. Brown is the darling of Republicans and conservative Democrats in Southie, the South Boston enclave at the center of anti-busing violence in 1974. Brown’s opponent is Harvard professor Elizabeth Warren, a liberal darling and fierce consumer advocate.

These two decent, intelligent candidates could be debating ways to cut the deficit, fight un-employment and keep America safe. Instead they’re sparring over Prof. Warren’s claim to have Cherokee ancestry, a box she checked off years ago on her Harvard employment application.  Brown accuses Warren of dishonesty, using questionable minority status to get a prestigious appointment to one of the nation’s premier universities. Warren says she was only trying to network with people like herself.  Voters are not amused.

A House Divided

Voters are angry. Their confidence in traditional party platitudes is frayed and their frustration at the schlock that passes for campaigning is at record high. They demand solutions to complex problems, but they’re voting for candidates who rail against accommodation and compromise.

Richard Lugar’s remarks to his victorious opponent highlight the dilemma. Speaking about Mourdock’s partisan confrontational style, Lugar warned, “This is not conducive to problem solving and governance. And he (Mourdock) will find that unless he modifies his approach, he will achieve little as a legislator. Worse, he will help delay solutions that are totally beyond the capacity of partisan majorities to achieve.” Whether voters in November will listen to Lugar’s plea for reasoned compromise is anyone’s guess. So far election results do not bode well.

BY KITT WALSH

My sons have a great time making me laugh so hard that I wet my pants.  As my mother would say, “I come by it honestly”. She, too, was a pants-wetter (her comic older brother was her nemesis). As Mom got older, the problem got worse, and she ended her life in Depends. She was very embarrassed by this and I know I am headed down that same damp path (although I will try to live without feeling ashamed) because it now happens sometimes when I sneeze or cough.

I’m Not Alone

As is evidenced by Kristie Alley’s appearances as the Poise Fairy on commercials, I am not alone in this. There are a whole bunch of us women who survived years of Kotex only to find we are going to be stuffing some kind of pads in our drawers for the rest of the ride.

Information about any subject always makes me feel better and beating back the embarrassment about having faulty plumbing is no different. So here’s what I’ve learned:

• Bladder leaking  is called urinary incontinence and is usually one of two types–urgency incontinence (when you can’t make it to the bathroom in time) and stress incontinence (which happens when you cough, sneeze, laugh, run or lift anything heavy.) Or you could be an overachiever and have a mixture of both types.

Urgency incontinence may be caused by Overactive Bladder or OAB (don’t you feel better having a condition reduced to an acronym? At least you know your DVR will fill with commercials about this condition soon). Your bladder muscles may actually spasm from nerve or muscle damage or illness, infection or inflammation of the bladder. This can often be treated by prescription medicine like anticholinergic medications–pills or patches that block the nerves that trigger contractions in the bladder muscle.

Stress Incontinence is caused by weakened bladder muscles. They may be stretched by weight gain, a sports injury, pregnancies or vaginal childbirth. Prescriptions won’t help here, but exercise and/or surgery might.

• Get thee to a doctor—You’ll give a urine sample, stand and cough and may be asked to keep a diary (of how much you drink, when you go, how often and what you were doing when you leaked) to give your medical professional a better picture of what’s going on with you. Ask about the medications you already take. Some medications that can trigger or worsen incontinence are high blood pressure medicines or certain antidepressants. Your doctor may order an Ultrasound, an MRI, a Pad Test (to show how much urine you pass throughout the day) or a Cystometry Test (to measure bladder pressure).
• Exercise weak pelvic muscles—Remember all the women’s magazines (shades of Cosmo) telling us to do Kegel exercises to “please our man”? Well, those same exercises now may help us please ourselves by stopping the leaks. Clench the muscles you would use to stop the flow of urine. Hold the squeeze for 10 seconds, and then relax. Do three or four sets every day.
• Keep a chart -This is the foundation of bladder training. Also consider biofeedback (ask your doctor) and empty your bladder every 3-4 hours no matter what.
• Change your lifestyle – Lose some weight, give up smoking and quit caffeine. Also consider giving up alcohol, carbonated soda, spicy foods, tomatoes (and other acidic fruits and vegetables) and pineapple juice. Drink more cranberry juice. Cut back on sugar. (We hosted a Pie Day at my house recently. I introduced so much sugar into my normally sugarless body that I literally changed my body chemistry and got a urinary infection—“honeymoon cystitis” without the honeymoon!)
• Ask your doctor about a Pessary -This is a little device, inserted into your vagina that helps cut down leaks from stress incontinence. You can wear it all the time or just for vigorous gym workouts or tennis matches or marathons.
• Collagen isn’t just for wrinkles – Your doc can inject collagen in the tissues around your urethra every year or so, which boosts the urethra lining thickness and creates resistance against the urine flow.
• Surgery for stress incontinence -This is usually an outpatient procedure where the bladder is placed in a sling or the bladder is pulled up or a device that controls bladder spasms with electrical signals is implanted to prevent leaks.
• What about nighttime incontinence? - Don’t drink anything two hours before bedtime and make sure you hit the head last thing before you hit the sheets. Speaking of sheets, before you invest in the plastic sheets—which are hot, uncomfortable and caused a rash (heat!) on my mother, visit a hospital supply store and stock up on the soft quilted cotton pads that go under your rear and are used in nursing homes. They absorb the liquid, allow your skin to breathe, and can be changed daily and thrown in the washer.

With tons of incontinence solutions and new products hitting the market each day, we aren’t helpless here. Don’t let embarrassment hold you back.  Ask for help from your medical professional and win this tangle with the tinkle.

Kitt Walsh owns a web content company, Behind Blogs (www.behindblogs.com), is a regular contributor to CNN Money, a public speaker on Social Media, a book editor and ghostwriter, and freelances as a feature writer, editor and marketing consultant for magazines, newspapers and private clients around the world.

BY STEVE WINSTON

If you’re taking care of an aging parent, the thought is probably always in the back of your mind. You can chase it away for a while, but it will come back. And, eventually, you won’t be able to chase it away anymore. It will be time for some hard decisions–decisions that you’ve been dreading a long time.

IT CAN BE A VERY SCARY PROCESS. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT ALONE

If your parent’s needs – especially if they have Alzheimer’s or dementia – are now out-pacing  your ability to keep up with them, this can be a very difficult time, fraught with frustration and guilt. But this may be the point when you can no longer deny it – it may now be time to find a good assisted-living or nursing facility.

Finding the right one, as you might expect, can be a tedious process. But you don’t have to go through  it alone. Help is available, even more so if your mom or dad is suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s. The places to start your research are your local Alzheimer’s Resource Center, Area Agency on Aging, and Alzheimer’s Association. Although they probably can’t offer specific recommendations, they all can offer valuable assistance. It may be a good idea, also, to seek out local support groups for caregivers of aging parents; many of the attendees might be asking the same questions you are. In addition, it’s always comforting to realize that you’re not alone. And many of the participants may know of good nursing homes in the area.

Incidentally, the time to start looking is before you need help, not under the pressure of a crisis situation

“Take a note pad when you visit,” says Alice Reiter Feld, a board-certified South Florida Elder Law attorney (www.florida-elderlaw.com), who’s also licensed to practice in New York. “And use it! You’ll be visiting a number of homes, and it can get confusing after a while. Each one can  turn into a blur, especially considering this will be a stressful process in the first place. If you take notes, you won’t have to struggle to remember who said what, at which place. It’s also a good idea to bring someone else with you, perhaps a friend who can be objective. And to visit at different times of the day.”

Among the notes you should be taking, Reiter Feld says: Is the place pleasant and inviting? Do staff interact with patients in a respectful way, or are they just listening without really hearing? Are they responsive to patients’ needs? Is the facility spotless inside and out? Use your senses. Look. Listen. Touch. And smell. Are there secure outdoor areas for the residents so they can’t wander away? Does the nursing home have an open-door policy? Ask to see the most recent state report on the facility. Take careful notice of any deficiencies noted there. And make certain – with your own eyes! – that they’ve been corrected.

“You’d ask for references when hiring a contractor, right?” Reiter Feld says. “Well, this is a lot more important than upgrading your kitchen! So do the same here. Get contact information for at least three families with residents at the facility and call them! In addition, ask around the community. And don’t pooh-pooh any bad things you hear. This is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make, and you don’t want to have to live with regrets later on.”

MORE DETAILS TO CHECK

It’s important, she says, to find a facility that’s nearby. You don’t want to travel an hour or two to see your loved one. And you don’t want to travel an hour or two if there’s an emergency.

“It’s also important to sit down with the Director or Administrator,” Reiter Feld says. “This person sets the tone for the entire facility and, especially, for the staff. If you don’t feel comfortable with this person, you won’t feel comfortable with the facility. And neither will your mom or dad.”

Particularly if your mom or dad has Alzheimer’s, space may be at a premium at the better nursing homes, and you may have to be put on a waiting list. Regardless, make sure to put your name down, anyway. If you’re not ready when they call, it’s probably not a major catastrophe. They’ll keep your name on the list.

LOOK BEYOND YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION

Reiter Feld also cautions not to go with first impressions only. That’s why it’s always a good idea to visit a nursing home or assisted-living facility several times, at varying times of the day, to get a sense of how the facility (and staff) operate under different conditions and at different times.

“This can be a long, drawn-out, and emotionally-draining process,” Alice Reiter Feld says. “But if you take the time to do it right, and you take advantage of the assistance available – as well as other family members or friends who can help – you’ll get through it. And you may be thrilled to discover that many patients actually end up happier at nursing homes than in their own homes, because they’re surrounded by their peers, and don’t see themselves as a burden on their families any more.”

Steve Winston (www.stevewinston.com) has written/contributed to 17 books, and his articles appear in major media all over the world.

BY DICK METHIA

Tribalism is normally the stuff of anthropology, but of late it is poisoning politics, undermining consensus and disabling representative government. At least, so say two recent scholarly publications.

Jon B. Alterman, one of the most respected Middle East scholars, recently published a cogent analysis of tribalism in Israeli politics. Simultaneously in  the camp of “It’s Even Worse Than It Looks” respected U.S. scholars, Thomas Mann of the liberal Brookings Institution and Norman Ornstein of the conservative American Enterprise Institute, offer a devastating  critique of the tribalism that they believe poses an existential threat to the American republic.

Top Leaders Squabbling in Israel

Alterman’s op ed piece in CNN Opinion was a reaction to the stunning public critique of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu by the head of the Israeli army and two top security officials, all attacking Netanyahu’s hawkish stance on Iran.  Yuval Diskin, the retired head of Israel’s famed security agency Shin Bet, lashed out at the prime minister, accusing him of making life and death decisions “based on messianic feelings.”

To get a sense of what a shock this has been to Israel’s political system, imagine Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Leon Panetta, the previous CIA director, publicly calling President Obama “a tad loony.”

Tribal Loyalty Above Common Good

Alterman attributes Israel’s political paralysis to persistent tribalism in politics. Israel’s population, he explains, consists of diverse ethno-religious groupings with divergent beliefs. These beliefs, strongly-held, bleed into the political culture where they work against compromise, the mechanism by which democracies thrive.  Alterman says, “Politics in Israel has always been a contact sport, but rather than battle to win over the center, an increasing number of political battles are conducted entirely on the fringes.” The result is that smaller affinity groups with specialized agendas, often religiously-motivated, have power disproportionate to their population.

The Tea Party Tribe

In the U.S. Congress, it’s the Tea Party that’s giving its relatively small numbers a power far beyond the population it represents. Mann and Ornstein, normally on opposite ends of the political spectrum, claim that by their actions the Tea Party Republicans in Congress are attacking the prime mechanism of democratic governance, compromise.

Those most conservative House members have chosen, time and again, to derail even the most traditional bi-partisan accommodations to serve their own ideological (tribal) purity.  For example, in 2011 the Tea Party caucus adamantly refused to vote for an increase in the debt ceiling despite dire warnings of economic disaster coming from their own leadership and most of the country’s Republican financial experts. Were it not for an 11^th hour compromise crafted by the White House and House Speaker John Boehner, backed by House Democrats, the United States of America would have defaulted on its debt for the first time in its history and likely caused a catastrophic stock market reaction.

The Tribe Über Allies

Tribalism demands that one favor the needs of the tribe over everything else. In that sense tribalism and democracy—at least representative government—are at odds.  Republican government (that’s small “r” republican) is a way for competing interests to carve a path that will protect minority interests and yet serve the greater good. If a member of Congress, or a member of Israeli’s Knesset for that matter, puts his or her tribal interests above all others, then functioning democracy is frustrated.

Every interest group has the right to push its legislative agenda. But don’t good governance, public duty, and responsible citizenship require that interest groups balance their demands against the common good? The most poignant reminder of what political intransigence and blind tribal loyalties can produce is America’s bloodiest crisis, the Civil War.

BY KATHY FOUST

As we get older, we might tend to look at younger women and feel a moment of panic. They have yet to learn that time and gravity are as relentless as a stalker living in a population of two. They have their whole lives in front of them and access to technology that we never even dreamed of. We mentally call them names and remember when our own youth was wasted on us. And then, finally, after we realize how petty jealousy is, we remember the one thing that these women will never have on us: experience

Experience Counts.

You can’t be mad at her because she’s young and has her choice of men. Instead, feel sorry for her. We have knowledge that only comes with experience. Even if you’re single, you at least have learned what not to look for and put up. She’s still travelling down that road.

Worry-Free Life

Take one look at your grandchildren.  Yes, you love your children and you might even miss the days when they were young and clung to your apron strings. Yet, you’ve raised your children and no longer have to worry about planning for their education or any number of things that we worry about when our children are small. Instead, now is the time to enjoy being a grandparent and the freedom it brings. Now you don’t have to worry as much as you get to spoil!

The mirror doesn’t lie. I remember when numbers on a scale meant everything to me. I worried about my looks and what people thought of my wardrobe. Those days are mostly over. I still want to be fit and pretty, but age has given me insight into other areas of myself that are far more valuable than my looks ever were. I would hope the same is true for you.

It’s Our Game

They’re playing games that we made the rules for. Yes, a younger woman may be able to attract a man faster than you. She may even catch your husband’s eye. What’s next? She relies more on her looks, ambition, and sexual prowess, while you rely on patience and knowledge. You’ve built memories that can’t be replaced. You know habits and quirks that she might be shocked by. You know that one of the best ways to get his attention is by denying your own to him. She’s still trying to figure out his favorite color.

For more info:

http://voices.yahoo.com/5-benefits-being-older-single-woman-5990386.html?cat=5

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/815463/older-woman-younger-man-benefits-and-pitfalls-1