When your spouse turns 50
September 29, 2011
BY CARMEN M. HUBBARD
My husband’s 50th birthday party should have been glorious. I envisioned our family and friends scattered throughout the house and in the backyard sharing childhood stories about my husband, sending him well wishes and saying “Congratulations!” for achieving such a milestone. But as the months dwindled to weeks then days leading to his birthday, my husband’s upcoming celebration turned somber. Instead of recognizing his life’s accomplishments, he realized his mortality. Instead of being grateful for his health without the need of prescription medicine — thanks to his loving yet nagging wife who reminds him to eat better, he sees half of his life has passed.
As much as we like to think we’ll live forever, time is a constant reminder of our mortality. Like anything when faced with the inevitable, it’s all about attitude and perception. Is the your glass half-full or half-empty when thinking about your mortality?
“This doesn’t have to be morbid or depressing, although it will certainly trigger some feelings and create an opportunity for deeper introspection ,” said Dr. Steven D. Farmer, who is a retired licensed psychotherapist, shamanic practitioner, spiritual teacher and the author of several books.
“People tend to think about death in adolescence and then again in late life. In middle adulthood, people are too busy to worry much about death,” said Alexandra Freund, who is a lifespan researcher at the University of Zurich in Switzerland. “Most people make adjustments throughout life, not just in midlife. Life is a process, life is everyday.”
Recognizing one’s mortality is usually associated with “midlife crisis,” a term that some experts debunk. She explained the midlife crisis concept is popular among Western cultures.
“The original promoters of the midlife crisis theory painted a picture of men as ‘late bloomers’ who bumbled along without thinking until they heard a wake-up call in midlife,” Freund said. “More recent research has shown that men are just as self-reflective as women, and that neither gender is prone to life-changing crises based on age.”
Psychologist Margie Lachman of Brandeis University in Massachusetts called the midlife crisis concept “a misnomer.”
“In midlife, we get a glimpse into later life, and we can make appropriate adjustments physically, financially and socially,” she said. “For example, the first signs of chronic illness appear in middle adulthood — at a time when something can still be done about them.”
Writer Jana Baldridge Vargas said there is satisfaction when you’re honest about life and its changes.
“In embracing the reality of mortality, you learn to face each decision as significant, because they are. Everything we do, every response we give, every word we speak – is a choice. We have to understand fully that we are not in control, death and illness always make that clear,” said Baldridge, who is the author of “The Promise of Death, The Passion of Life: A Reflective Exploration of Death, Loss, and Living Fully.” “We must love as fully as we are capable of on any given day. Bad things will happen to us, we can’t change that, but we can choose how we will respond. What we can do is live fully and with love, speak carefully and with intention, choose wisely and with forethought, the rest will happen as life does.”