What Not to Wear

December 30, 2009

I was looking at a picture of Ivana Trump wearing a strapless dress in a magazine the other day.  Now, I don’t want to talk disparagingly about Ivana (lord knows she has had a rough life having been married to Donald Trump for all those years), but I have to say, her picture brought to mind that at some point in life you must give up wearing certain items of clothing.  It can be hard to accept that some of the latest clothing styles no longer look good on your 50 year old body; however, recognizing this can lead to dressing in a much more flattering way.  I thought it might be a good idea to list a few items that should be thrown out or given to your daughter or son, once you hit middle age.  They are:

1)       Strapless Dresses – although they aren’t a complete no no, the average person in their 50s probably has started to sag a little or a lot in the neck and cleavage area.  In the aforementioned picture of Ivana Trump, the skin on her neck, cleavage area and arms is sagging and not toned.  This does not make for a sexy look, which is what I’m sure she was probably going for.  I did recently see a picture of Madonna in a bustier and she looked great.  No sagging areas for her, which is why I say these tops and dresses are not a complete no no; however, when you look in the mirror, who do you think you resemble more, Ivana or Madonna?  If it is the former, a higher neckline is in order.

2)     Ankle bracelets and Toe Rings – As much as it pains me, I have to say that these look juvenile on a 50 year old unless, of course, you are at the beach.  While looking cute on a 20 year old, they lose something as you age.  This is in addition to the fact that ankle bracelets just emphasize the new veins forming for all to see in your lower leg.  I don’t recall these veins being there when I got my first ankle bracelet but they are there now and are not pretty.  Anything that calls attention to them should be banned.

3)     Capri Pants – if you are short, they make you look shorter.  If you are even slightly overweight, they emphasize it by cutting off the vertical line of your clothing.  What misogynist fashion designer came up with these?  Strangely, although they really look good on no one, they seem to be a fashion staple of women 40 and above.  This is especially true if you visit Disney World….every woman seems to have them on.

4)     Tube tops – see number 1 above.  In addition, sagging boobs do not look good in tube tops and most people’s breasts are heading south by middle age, unless you have had implants, which is a whole other article.  Again Madonna does not seem to have this problem but if you look in the mirror…

5)     Low riding pants or jeans – oh god no.  Although I see many teenagers with the awful ‘muffin top’ it looks especially heinous on someone who is middle aged.  Maybe it is because the fat rolls are firmer when you are younger that makes this seem not so bad on a teenager or 20 something but whatever it is, do not go there.

6)     Ill fitting bras – to combat the sagging boobs discussed in number 4, you need a good bra to lift them back up to their rightful place on your body.  I have discovered the joy of bra fittings and now do this once a year.  Not only do I purchase comfortable bras as a result, but who knew I was actually a D cup!  This would have been very impressive to tell people in my youth; however, now it is more a result of trying to rein in the infamous side boobs as opposed to having really large breasts.

7)     Hot Pants – I’m not sure if they still call them that but you get what I mean.  This would seem like something that would be a no brainer; however, occasionally you still see a woman our age with them on.  There are women out there who can wear them and still look good, but most of these women know enough not to.  For some reason, the middle aged women who are still wearing really short shorts must be having difficulty with their eyes (i.e. the inability to see cellulite when it is present).  It can’t be the same problem you have in not being able to see small print since there is nothing small about the amount of cellulite on some of these people.  It must be a new kind of eye degeneration or possibly the inability to accept the reality that is staring back at you in the mirror.

8)     Dark Lip liner and lighter lipstick – this isn’t an article of clothing but it is a pet peeve of mine so I’m throwing it in here.  The little lines forming above your top lip do no need to be emphasized even more by using dark lip liner.  This was a style (or was it?) many years ago when big long hair perms were also in, but now this type of make up just dates you and makes you look older.  Softer make up works better as you age.

9)     Dark Tans – while I’m on the subject of pet peeves, let’s just talk a little about really dark tans.  I stopped tanning about 20 years ago.  It was hard to do it because everyone looks just so much better with some color, but my skin is thanking me for it now.  The tan that made my skin look healthy when I was 20, now makes my skin look blotchy, dry and lined.  Had I not stopped tanning, I would have probably been asked to be a lead in one of the sequels to that horror movie involving the character ‘leather face.’  Go to Florida and just observe the people who have kept their tans up throughout the years.   It is not a pretty sight and unfortunately they have to keep doing this because leather faces look better with a tan than without one.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Remember people, sunscreen is your friend.

These are just a few things that, in my opinion you have to stop wearing or give up as you age.  In looking at some of the classy women and men who are middle aged, one common denominator is that they dress in an age appropriate way and, as a result, look great and in many cases much younger than their years.  You certainly can’t beat that.  If you have suggestions of things I have left off my left, feel free to comment.  While I’m waiting for this, I’m going to return those low riding jeans I got for Christmas.