American Political Idol

July 3, 2011

By Dick Methia

The 2012 presidential campaign would be the most entertaining on record if Fox broadcast a TV special called “American Political Idol.” Every presidential candidate would get four minutes in prime time. No grand speeches, no canned commercials, no boring debates. Just four minutes to belt it out to America. To attract an older viewing audience candidates would sing hit tunes from the ’60s, ’70s and ’80s. (I’ve got a little list.)

Take a Chance on Me: Current GOP front runner Mitt Romney has two strikes against him. He’s Mormon, a religion about which evangelical voters feel creepy. Plus, voters say the pretty boy comes across as overly scripted on the campaign trail. Romney’s tunes—Abba’s “Take a Chance on Me” and Sade’s “Smooth Operator.”

I Want to be Sedated: Ultra-conservative congresswoman Michele Bachmann is a rabid, wild-eyed campaigner. She’s been called “Joe McCarthy in high heels.” But Tea Party members say she’s the one to bring down Obama. Michele would belt out Ramones’ “I Want to Be Sedated.”

I Go to Extremes: Ultra-libertarian Representative Ron Paul would abolish the income tax and about a dozen federal agencies. For Paul, Billy Joel’s “I Go to Extremes.”

Macho Man: Former Big Apple mayor, Rudy Giuliani, is still trading off his bullish behavior following 9/11. The perfect song for Rudi—The Village People’s “Macho Man.”

Puttin’ on the Ritz: Newt Gingrich was Speaker of the House. Now he’s in the dog house. Newt’s popularity took a nosedive when he called his $500,000 Tiffany bill, “living frugally.” Newt will croon Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz.”

Livin; on a Prayer: Former senator Rick Santorum is an ultra-conservative Catholic. (Liberal democrats say he’s actually running for pope.) Santorum will chant Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

How to be a Millionaire: When former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain tossed his pepperoni into the ring, pundits thought he was a joke. Now he’s climbing in the polls. The retired pizza maker gets ABC’s “How to be a Millionaire.”

It’s Now or Never: 2008 nominee John McCain is fed up with the leading contenders and may run again. For the 75-year old McCain, it’s the Elvis’ hit, “It’s Now or Never.”

Where is My Mind? Tea Party heartthrob Sarah Palin is the non-candidate all the others worry about. If the part-time governor of Alaska tosses her chapeau into the ring, all the other candidates will be yelling Donny Osmond’s “Go Away Little Girl.” For Sarah herself (for insisting Paul Revere rang bells on his historic ride through Boston) the Pixies’ “Where Is My Mind?”

And the Democrats?

No More Mr. Nice Guy: President Obama is headed for a bruising campaign. Aides warn him the gloves are going to have come off if he wants to keep eating chili from the White House mess. For Barack, Alice Cooper’s “No More Mister Nice Guy.”

Windy: Obama’s running mate Joe Biden, not known as a silent partner, gets The Association’s “Windy.”

I Feel the Earth Move: And if Al Gore wants his moment on stage, Carole King’s “I Feel the Earth Move.”

She’s Back: Finally, many Democrats hope Obama ditches Joe Biden and asks Hillary Clinton to join him on the ticket. If that happens, Hil can screech Elton John’s “The (rhymes with witch) Is Back.”

Dick Methia began his writing career at nine as a war correspondent.  He covered the clash of rubber Union and Rebel armies by pecking out dispatches on a rusty Smith Corona in a backyard tent made of an old bed sheet.  When the war was over, he gravitated to less serious pursuits: award-winning educator and speaker, non-profit executive, nationally-known consultant, author, and (almost) astronaut.