Men are from Mars, Women are from Some Other Galaxy Entirely
October 26, 2011
BY STEVE WINSTON
Men and women are from different planets, especially when it comes to the ways in which they communicate and the ways in which they perceive things, John Gray told us in his best-selling book. But I disagree. I don’t think we’re even that close!
We don’t speak the same language, even when we’re speaking English. We don’t hear the same words, even when we’re hearing the same words. And we could both be looking at the exact same thing…but we wouldn’t be seeing the exact same thing. Different planets, hell! I think we’re more like different solar systems. Or galaxies.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. Most of the time, in fact, I like the differences between us. But – like most men – some of the time, I just don’t understand them. (A word often accompanied by a sigh and a shake of the head by some of the men I know.)
Hey, I was a hippie, with shoulder-length hair. I was a political activist in college. I grew up in the age of “Women’s Lib.” I went to hear Bella Abzug speak. And I have two beautiful daughters, to whom I’ve always referred to the Almighty as “She.” And I’ve always surrounded myself with socially-conscious people. But I can’t deny the differences. Nor the frustrations that sometimes accompany them.
We certainly argue differently. For example, when I point out something to my wife in an argument, she sometimes perceives what I’m saying is that she always does so-and-so. And, for all I know, that’s the way it really may be coming off when I say it. To me, of course, my meaning is crystal-clear. But to her, it can be something totally different. It’s no one’s fault, of course. Men and women shouldn’t communicate – or argue, for that matter – in the same way. (I sometimes feel that the author who writes a men’s/women’s translation book, instead of a French/English or Spanish/English, would become an instant millionaire.)
To get more insight on the issue, I spoke to a former Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist named Andrea Young, who’s now an educator (and who also happens to be my ex-wife, with whom, unfortunately, I argued too much.)
“It’s always dangerous to generalize too much,” she says. “But, sometimes, when it comes to arguing, men might just want to address – and fix – the immediate problem, and then move on. But the most important factor for the woman can sometimes be that she wants to be listened to, and understood. So, if the woman brings it up again later on, the man may say, ‘We’ve already talked about that.’ But the woman may not feel that her feelings have been acknowledged and understood.”
Ms. Young gives another example of the differences in communication, and perception, that often occurs in the early-dating process. The man may say “I’ll call you later.” To a woman, that might mean “I’ll call you tonight.” But not necessarily to a man.
“It’s always interesting to see how men and women emerge from a movie theater,” Ms. Young says. “Women often tend to see many details, while men often tend to see the bigger picture. How often have you heard one partner say to the other, while leaving the theater, “You mean you didn’t see that in the movie?’?”
She related the story of a young woman who had mentioned that her husband is always buying her wonderful gifts. In his mind, of course, the man was being loving and generous. But what the woman really wanted was random acts of kindness from her husband, more than gifts; she wanted more help with the errands, the kids, etc.
So what does it all mean?
Well, to me, it means that nothing’s going to change. It means that women will, for the most part, continue to communicate and to perceive things the way they’ve always communicated and perceived things. And it means the same for men.
And, to me, it means…Vive les difference!!!
Steve Winston (www.stevewinston.com) has written/contributed to 17 books, and his articles appear in major media all over the world.