Middle Age Dating
April 23, 2010
Hello Fellow Cave-Dwellers,
Are you about to step back onto that zany roller coaster ride known as dating? First dates are a most daunting thing, especially if we haven’t been on the circuit for quite some time. Trying to come up with enough conversation topics to stretch our way through dinner or enough intelligent commentary about the movie we have just seen to merit a second date is by no means an easy feat. After having been in a relationship for so long it is also strange to think how we must now comport ourselves with someone who is basically a stranger: Am I boring her? Am I talking with my mouth full? I am drooling? Should I have that third glass of wine or will she think me a lush? How long am I going to be able to hold this fart in before I start to decompose from the inside out? It makes one wonder whether getting back into the scene is even worth it. For many of us, it is also difficult because we are not looking for the same thing in a date as we were way back when. And, hopefully at our age, we are certainly looking to eliminate the silly games in which people seem to revel well into their 30s. The romance and fashion magazines would have us believe that we must engage in the ancient art of deception to woo the woman of our dreams. Yet, if we go at this process with the same reckless and deceptive advertising as in our previous incarnation as daters, we may be in for the same recipe for disaster that made our prior relationship crash and burn. Gentlemen as tongue in cheek as this may seem, there is another way, a better way to go about this process. It’s called total sincerity.
We must concede that at least one thing has gotten easier: Finding potential dates. Nowadays you just go to a dating website, punch in your sexual proclivities, hobbies, likes and dislikes, pet peeves, etc. and out pops the perfect match. It is a shame that most of the people who match our mental criteria don’t necessarily match our esthetic desires. There are good looking people too, but one can’t help but wonder what kind of mental baggage they are carrying to be looking for love online. Most people, whatever the esthetic or gender, are merely browsing the romantic options to see what there is out there. This is a strange and new world that has opened to us that has its advantages and disadvantages like anything else. It’s like a blind date but you are allowed to peek. You even get a little glance into her psyche because you can communicate with her before you make the plunge. While these can certainly prepare you for your first encounter, there is no way that they can completely take the dread out of that first date. However, as you have no history with these people, this should be all the more reason to be as sincere as you possibly can on your first encounter.
The first piece of advice I will give you about dating is DON’T DATE, PERIOD! Until you really know the person, no intimate dinners, no movies, no flowers…just you in your natural habitat. The first mistake we men make when starting what could blossom into a relationship is to create a false image of ourselves. Why invite a woman into a falsified world that you allegedly reside in? Why take your first date to places that you would rarely go but think that she would enjoy? Why take her to the latest Oscar nominated movie when you are really into slasher and gore films? Why invite her to an awkward dinner where you exchange the same tired old questions about jobs you both hate or are sick of talking about? Aren’t we beyond this at our age? Aren’t we a little too set in our ways by the age of 50 to falsify our lives and plagiarize from the dating handbook that is proliferated by ridiculous fashion magazines? The days of knights in shining army and princes are over. It’s time for our potential significant other to see us for the frogs we are. There is no sense in making them think we are people we are not or never will be, especially by age 50.
As I said, the first date should not be a date but a rendezvous, a meeting between you and the person you are interested in. Instead of some private, awkward meeting, why not have her meet you and your friends out at one of your favorite bars? Tell her to bring some of her friends along so she doesn’t feel awkward either. Another option is a communal dinner with your friends and hers. The point is for you both to see how you interact with each other and each other’s friends. If these are the people that you enjoy spending time with, the sooner she gets to know them, the better. It is best to let her see everyone at their best or worst. And for God’s sake, make sure you wash down the occasion with copious amounts of alcohol. Awkward pauses are easily drowned out when the wine begins to flow. We will also see the true colors of our potential partner after she gets a few in her. If she is an uptight prig, it’s best to know immediately. It’s also best for her to see you and your friends well oiled and having a good time.
If neither of you drink, why not a nice dinner with some good friends and conversation? Whether you drink or not, it’s important to know that your potential lady at least enjoys the simple pleasures of food and conversation. Be sure the choice of cuisine is something you truly enjoy and in one of your favorite restaurants. As we eat three times a day it is important for your newfound friend to know your eating habits as well as your taste in food. Also, make sure you talk politics and religion at the table. While you’re at it, curse as much as you normally would so you can ward off anyone who is easily offended by dirty words. It might even be best to invite a good friend who has an especially dirty mouth or gets so worked up about political topics that he begins to spatter half-chewed food substance all over the place. The important thing is that she knows your politics and your beliefs about religion. She should also know upfront that you have friends that don’t have a perfect scorecard in the manners department. Hell, it’s better to dodge the flying crumbs of a good friend than the stupid questions that one could ask on a first date.
After the dinner or drink portion of the evening is over, if she is still hanging around, then you can go somewhere to spend some time alone. If this woman has put up with you and your friends in your natural habitat and wasn’t frightened away, she is definitely worth a go at. And, when I say a go at, I am not talking about a gentlemanly kiss on the cheek when you walk her to her apartment or you part ways on the street. I am talking full on tongue activity. Hell, throw in a grope or an affectionately placed squeeze to boot. I strongly recommend that this petting culminate in trip to one of your respective apartments to further explore each other. I know what the girly fashion magazines say: Don’t have sex until the third date. Well, I say that that’s a lot of hullabaloo. For criminy’s sake, we have all had sex and it really isn’t such a big deal anymore. We are in our 50s and really don’t have much of our sexual glory days left. Why wait until a third date that might not even happen? Haven’t our whole lives been about waiting for eventualities that may never come to pass? And besides, you could be hit by a bus or afflicted with some rare tropical disease before you even get to that third date. Wouldn’t you feel better knowing that you took advantage of a fine opportunity before you kicked off?
If you do get the opportunity to score the proverbial homerun, a run scored just as much by her as it is by yourself, there is no better way of topping the evening off than by breaking wind. However, this must be done delicately and casually; it should come out as naturally as a breath of air. Hell, even knights in shining armor have to let one loose every now and again. Rather than have to hold in your gas whenever she’s around, it is probably best that you both come to terms with these things right from the start. You should even encourage her to let one rip as well. We all know from previous relationships that we will eventually become familiar with our partner’s flatulent patterns. Why the heck should we be subjected to the same insincere form of rectal chivalry when this is inevitable?
Lastly, you should spend the entire evening together. It’s probably best for her to know if you snore loudly or roll around a lot. It is also good for you to know if she snores, sleepwalks or has any other odd nocturnal habits that could prevent you both from having a good night’s rest should you make these sleepovers more frequent.
Some of you men may think that this dating method will do nothing but scare off potential girlfriends. You may scare off a good many; however, if you find a woman who can put up with you as you are, your friends and your farts, you will have found that one special person that you could potentially spend the rest of your life with. You ladies probably think me an ill-mannered cad for suggesting such behavior. However, I am merely trying to get beyond this dating charade. Whether it’s the 1st date or the 101st, you are going to become familiar with these kinds of things sooner or later. At our age, we really don’t have much time to play any games, so it might behoove us to simply be upfront with one another and let sincerity be our guide to success at this crazy thing called dating.