Valentines Day

February 12, 2010

Well, fellow Man-Cave Dwellers, another Valentine’s Day is upon us.  You know if you spend this day in your Man-Cave you will definitely be spending the rest of the year in the dog house.  However, if you spend it with your significant other you will also be spending some serious cash.  It’s getting to the point where if we men don’t shell out at least a hundred dollars on this day, we might as well stay in our Man-Caves for good.  How did this holiday every get so expensive?  For many of us men, it seems at this point that there is little else to do but succumb to this contrived holiday.  However, I think it’s high time we stood up against the Cupid of Consumerism and boycott this day.  On Valentine’s Day we are supposed to celebrate love and harmony in all intimate relationships, but there seems to be something darker lurking under that red innocent heart that is the pulse of love.

First, let’s look at the origins of this dubious day.  There are a few stories as to the celebrated Valentinus who was later martyred and canonized.  One states that this noble hero of love defied the Emperor Claudius’s edict preventing young men from marrying.  It appears that Claudius, the anti-love curmudgeon, believed that men who were romantically involved were not good soldiers.  In order to preserve his elite fighting force, he prohibited young men from marrying.  However, Valentinus defied the order and performed clandestine weddings for these young men.   In response, Claudius had him put to death.

Another story has it that Valentinus was imprisoned for helping Christians escape the horrid punishments they endured in Roman prisons.  He fell in love with the jailer’s daughter and sent her a love letter which is considered the first official Valentine greeting ever sent.

Yet another, traces the origins of this holy day to the pagan Lupercalia ritual.  The ancient Romans would gather in a cave where Romulus was said to have been born and slaughter a goat for fertility and a dog for purification.  They then sliced the goat’s hide into strips, dipped them in sacrificial dog blood and paraded around the villages plastering the young,  available women with these hunks of raw meat.  Wow, ladies, that sure beats flowers and candy, doesn’t it?

Fast forward to the 20th century and I am hard-pressed to see exactly where we came up with the connection between martyred saints or slabs of goat meat and the expensive gift giving this day has come to entail.  As far as I’m concerned the first and only appropriate modern celebration of Valentine’s Day was on February 14th 1929 when some of Al Capone’s men dressed up as police officers and gunned down members of a rival bootlegging mob.  No, in all seriousness, this day shouldn’t be a day for wielding Tommy Guns.  However, nor should it be a day when every sap in the country is forced into buying exorbitantly priced flowers, candy, gifts or dinner to show his love.

If we research the modern day concept of Valentine’s Day, we begin to see how it took on more of its commercial dimensions.  It seems that one St. Hallmark who was never canonized or put to death is making a killing off the romantic saps out there.    And herein lay the seeds of this conspiracy.  Was this day reinvented in order to exploit all that is love in order to cash in?  Could it be that after so much gift giving, decorations and good old American consumerism from Halloween through the Holidays that we need Valentine’s Day to keep us buying through the dreary winter months?  Now that this day has become a near obligation for anyone involved in a relationship, to what lengths will Saint Hallmark and his co-conspirators go to sucker us into spending even more?

It is estimated that around one billion Valentine’s cards are purchased each year.  That is second only to Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.  According to certain statistics, women purchase 85 % of all these cards.  The other 15 % are no doubt purchased by men who have been psychologically guilted into buying cards not to mention candy, stuffed animals, flowers, dinner, etc.   Do we honestly want our most intimate sentiments written on every imaginable form of stuffed fauna, candies or imitation silk pillows made in China where they barely even celebrate this day?  Are silly or expensive gifts really the only way we can demonstrate our love and is Valentine’s Day the only day to show this love?

Please, fellow cave-dwellers, don’t be saps.  This day has gone from a modest day of love to a multi-million dollar industry.  Each year the florists, jewelers, greeting card companies, restaurant owners, etc. conspire to come up with even more ways to fleece us.  Each year this day becomes more and more expensive and the expectation to spend becomes greater.  It starts with a silly card and a handful of candy hearts and, before you know it, you have to buy your ladies a brand new car to stay in good with them.  Holy mackerel, don’t we men have it bad enough if we forget our anniversaries without this fabricated holiday giving our ladies another reason to get angry at us for neglecting them? I say hooey.

I know what you ladies are thinking; what does a heartless anti-romantic like me know about this heartfelt holiday?  With that kind of attitude we might just as well flush Christmas, Hanukkah and the various feasts of Ramadan down the toilet of useless holidays as well.  We give gifts to one another or celebrate ridiculous rituals during these holidays, so why not keep this one too?  I’ll tell you why, because this day is no longstanding tradition.  It was on the verge of extinction before the love industry resurrected it for its own personal profit.

I am not saying you shouldn’t treat your ladies right.  There are 364 other days in which to do this and it will cost you a lot less on those days.  A true romantic doesn’t depend on a specific day to buy gifts for his beloved.  A true romantic buys things on a whim when he feels like doing so.  A true romantic also has the words to express his or her love that are far more sincere and imaginative than anything St. Hallmark could come up with.  So do us all a favor and boycott Valentine’s Day.  The best thing you can do is not buy anything for your ladies on February 14th and above all not buy into this hokey holiday.