LIFESTYLE Relationships  >  Turn Up the Flame on Your Sex Life After 50

Turn Up the Flame on Your Sex Life After 50

Turn Up the Flame on Your Sex Life After 50
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By Kitt Walsh

When it comes to your sex life, an old saying rings true: Just because there is snow on the roof, doesn’t mean there’s no fire in the furnace. Your silver hair sits atop a brain that’s spent the last five decades or more soaking up information, imagery and imagination that can be used to make up for the diminished hormones of your youth.

Change Your Expectations: This is not code for lowering your expectations of yourself and your partner, but learning acceptance — a most important concept when dealing with your the aging process in all ways, not just sexually. You are not 20 anymore, it’s true, but you already lived that part of your life. Now you get to start a new chapter and this one has its own rewards. Practice being content, not longing for bygone days. Accept the softer stomach, the less firm butt and the silver chest (and other) hair. Appreciate that you can finally relax a bit and share a laugh over your shared imperfections with an old friend — your age-appropriate lover. Being a cougar woman or an older man still chasing after young “tail” must be exhausting and the plastic surgeon bills don’t get cheaper. Look in the mirror — or, better still, the mirror of your lover’s eyes—and know each line and wrinkle is a sign of a life well-lived. Be thankful for what you’ve had and what is still to come.

Make The Most Of The Empty Nest: Sure it is sad when the last kid flies the coop, so allow yourself some tears when you pass their empty room or find their socks in the laundry. Then get over it and realize it’s just the two of you again, and you can restart your love affair with your partner. Have a candlelight picnic on the living room floor and make love on the kitchen counter while doing the dishes together. Drag your man into the bushes in the middle of the day (watch for poison ivy) or a secluded car park (watch for cops) for a little afternoon delight. Schedule a spa day where you give each other facials, share a bubble bath, and massage each other with fragrant oils (try Soft Coeur by LUSH, a heart-shaped bar of cocoa butter and chocolate) or screen a sexy movie together (porn movies are not just for men anymore.)

Jumping and Jiving, Slipping and Sliding: Men, remember the days when you could count on an instant erection pretty much all the time and rest assured it would last as long as you’d like or, if you got over-excited, all you needed to do was wait a few minutes and it was “game on” all over again? And women, do you recall when just a kiss from the right guy could get you all moist and ready? Consider those the sweet juices of youth and realize your sap doesn’t rise quite the same way these days. Men, you may need a longer time (and much more stroking and intimate touches) to get aroused and, even then, your erection may not last as long nor be as hard as you’d like. Now it seems you are the one needing that “cuddle time” women have asked for all those years. This is a great opportunity to recreate those hot necking sessions of your adolescence. Hug, kiss, stroke, lick the back of each other’s necks — take the emphasis off the “all-important penis” and realize that your whole body is covered with one giant sexual organ—your skin. Use fingers, tongues and whole body rubbing to excite each other. Even if you or your partner is suffering from prostate troubles, did you know that a man can achieve orgasm without ejaculation? Intercourse isn’t everything. Oral sex can not only help a man achieve and maintain an erection, but cunnilingus can also help solve one of post-menopausal women’s most common problems—a lack of lubrication caused by hormonal changes. You should also try different lubricants. Water-based ones are less gooey and absorb quickly with no mess, silicon-based lubricants are best for use with toys and last longer, and plant-based creams may prove useful if you are prone to allergies. Try out some of the new “sensation” lubricants, like K-Y Tingling Jelly. (Remember, never used oil-based lubricants while using condoms. They cause microscopic tears in the latex and, yes, you can still get a sexual transmitted disease, even if you are a senior citizen, so use condoms with any new partner.)

Play With Toys For Grownups: Vibrators in all shapes and sizes, practically guaranteeing orgasms; cock rings to help sustain a flagging erection; porn movies to set both your hearts racing — sex toys for grownups are a literal treasure trove when it comes to adding some spice to your sex life. On-line shopping is perfect for those of you might be embarrassed to be seen walking into an adult toy store. Visit sites like, or and shop till your heart’s content (all purchases are sent in discreet packaging in case you are worried what the neighbors will think.) Type “Sex Toys” in the search box of and you’ll not only get quite a selection, you can read reviews about products before you buy them. Even the venerable Vermont Country Store carries a line of vibrators.

Set The Stage With Fantasy: It was Lady Alice Hillington who uttered the famous comment that she endured her husband’s conjugal visits by “lying back and thinking of England” and there is an old joke in my own family that the definition of Irish foreplay is when Paddy comes home and says “Brace yourself, Bridget. It’s Saturday night,” but this is not your grandparents’ love life.

You and your trusted partner are consenting adults and can (as long as it is neither illegal nor causes harm to anyone else) act out any fantasy you wish. Arrange a “chance meeting” in a bar and pick each other up as strangers; employ blindfolds, handcuffs and feathers; dress as pirate and wench and take turns ravishing each other; call your partner on the phone from another room and describe what you are doing or want done to your body; play strip poker and lose — the possibilities are endless.

If you need ideas, check out some porn. These days there are lots of “women-centric” videos — involving more story line and less 18-year-old blond chickies with reactions as fake as their breasts. This genre was pioneered by female director Candida Royalle, and following in her footsteps is a new generation of women filmmakers like Tristan Taormino, Celeste, and (this generation’s Dr. Ruth) sex therapist jamYe waXman (who directed a series entitled Personal Touch), all geared toward a woman’s sexuality. Visit the blog of noted sex advisor, Violet Blue at, who rates videos, and (through her appearances on Oprah, ABC News and in other mainstream media,) has helped dozens of couples to add some passion to their lives.

Take Your Time: Hurrying is for young people. At our age, we should know how to savor an experience. Relax in each other’s arms (mid-coital naps are even permitted), share wine and food breaks (crumbs amidst the sheets be damned), make as much joyful noise as you want and remember to laugh often. Lovemaking is a great gift and one to be enjoyed untll the day we kick the bucket. As centenarian George Burns said, “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”


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