MIDDLE AGE MUSINGS  >  A List of Regrets (Kind of)

A List of Regrets (Kind of)

A List of Regrets (Kind of)
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By Beth Portolese

Each New Year’s since I turned 50, I’ve tried to take stock and think about what I may regret or have missed out on over the course of my life.  When I do this, I decide whether I want to rectify any of these regrets or just let them pass.  This past New Year, in thinking about this, It began to dawn on me that there were a whole host of things, mostly in the relationship area, I had not experienced in the years leading up to my 50s.  These are things that for people in their 20s and 30s today (if you believe what you read), are practically commonplace. Just to name a few:

1) I have not made a sex tape.  I don’t know who I would have done this with because frankly, I’m not sure I’d want to have the filmed memories of anyone I’ve ever been with, but you have to admit, it’s a good way to become famous these days.  Back when I was younger, anyone who made a tape of themselves having sex with someone was probably a little loose and would have had the sense to be mortified when the tape was leaked online to everyone they know.  Today we have a whole list of celebrities who got their start in ‘home movies’:  Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian to name the most famous ones.   Where would they be if they hadn’t made the brilliant decision to film themselves having sex with a totally creepy user guy?  I’ve missed out…unfortunately, though, not with the totally creepy guys.

2) I have not taken naked pictures to text to people or send over the internet.  I can’t tell you the number of people who have shown me a picture of some guy’s ‘junk’ that was sent to them.  Do men these days just have these pictures ready to go or do they take individualized shots for each person they send them to?   Of course, as far as me sending a naked picture of myself, it is never too late for this; the only problem is that the lens on my cell phone camera might not be big enough to get all of me in after this past holiday’s foodfest.

3) I have not dated a man 20 years younger.  My reluctance to be called a wild animal (A.K.A cougar) might have something to do with this.  It also doesn’t help that anyone in this age range thinks I must be dying to have sex with a young stud like themselves (yes someone emailed this to me on a dating website).  Besides, If I met someone and it did work out I wouldn’t want to spend my senior years taking care of some young guy.  I’ll have enough to do in my 80s since I’ll probably still have to work.

4) I have not gotten myself a ‘friend with benefits.’  I really like most of my friends but I do not want to have sex with them….as a friend of mine would say, ‘I could not see myself under them.’   I am also not sure what benefit I would derive from sleeping with someone I am not attracted enough to want to go out on a real date with.

5) I have not given in to a ‘booty call.’  It’s not like I haven’t been asked or texted cialis 5mg (honest) but frankly, after 10pm these days, I’m asleep.  I do not want to get back up, get dressed, put in my contacts, smooth down my hair, and put my makeup back on for some (probably drunk) guy who decides to get in touch at midnight.  Sadly, sleep has become the better alternative.

6) I have never had an affair with a married man.  Yes, I know I’ve missed out.  How to resist all those promises married men make like, ‘I’m just with her for the kids, as soon as they are grown, I’ll be with you,’ (Excuse me but aren’t they in their 30s?) ‘I’m leaving her now that I’ve met someone who really understands me like you do,’ and the classic, ‘You make me feel young again.’ (Huh?)  Anyway, it isn’t like I haven’t had opportunities but, frankly, I don’t think women are loyal enough to each other.  Even if I had been attracted to the guy, why would I have wanted to treat a fellow ‘sista’ this way?

7) I have never had a ‘work husband.’  From what I can gather, this is someone who you become really close with at work, spend lots of time with, eat lunch with and share your innermost feelings with.  See the start of item #6 above.  Frankly I wouldn’t want a ‘work husband’.  As it turned out I didn’t even want a real husband, but that is another article.

So what is the start of that Frank Sinatra tune?  ‘Regrets, I have few.’

What I have not missed out on in my 50s  are good friends, good times and a good family.  I’ll just have to be satisfied with that for now…..until the next text message booty call from that young stud!

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